How much rubbish you tolerate at work

[soulhalshall]

I have never been great at standing up for myself as an adult. I have a short fuse at times but in the workplace have almost exclusively frozen in the face of rudeness, abuse, disrespect particularly when it has been directed at me. I think I always had the expectation that it is part of the job, from the heady days of early morning cleaning at the garages at Marshall's.

But I think with age and time I have become slightly less patient. Once before now I have stormed out of a meeting with a ridiculous boss. Today, seven or eight years on I stormed out again. I am a kitchen porter at a pub doing take away food and since returning to work two weeks ago the head chef has been consistently abusive but only when he and I have been alone. Proving his manliness or whatever. It continued today and after twenty minutes of disrespect of varying extents, I walked out, threw my rubber gloves over the fence and sped off in my Ford Fiesta. To be honest, I was raging and took some time to calm down. I thought that was it for the job (that added to my anger because I was frustrated with my reaction given the difficulty of finding new work) but I've been invited back tomorrow...which will be awkward enough.

What is your professional breaking point?

[Andrewlang]

I'm pretty impatient with the power play bollocks that goes on in offices like that. Work is sh*t, why would you go out of your way to make it even worse for someone.

I hate the hour long meetings that contain five minutes information. Usually it's a load of self important bullshit and a complete of my time.

I hate lickspittles. I hate procrastination. I hate HR trying to create problems because their job is otherwise pointless.

Andrew

[cambcam]

Your breaking point fluctuates relative to your circumstances and options. It can be a depressing spiral for anyone that is feeling vulnerable with limited options and has an arsehole employer preying on that. And that can happen surprisingly easily across all ages, professions and pay scales.

Companies are supposed to be run by systems and procedures but they never are - they ultimately mirror the character and temperament of the owner(s), and your immediate line manager will have a huge effect on your daily mood no matter what systems are supposedly in place to mitigate against that.

We’d all like to think our self-respect would stop us being abused like you have been but it is sometimes much easier said than done. Walking out was a brave decision but the act itself showed your threshold had been crossed and you shouldn’t feel any angst at where your threshold was set.

I’ve been self-employed/semi-retired 9 years after getting out of that sh*t at 48 and your post triggered painful memories. I’d actually stopped trusting people, and even stopped liking people such was the intensity of a pressured workplace. The last 9 years have been a rectifying therapy and every single day is enjoyed and appreciated, and y’know what? - people are generally great - but there is still a resentment at the previous life that will probably never leave.

You’ve got to be able to look yourself in the mirror and be proud of who is staring back. The outcomes of saying nothing and being miserable are not good at all. I wish you well with the next step. Whatever happens, it won’t be as difficult as the one you walked away from.

[imp566]

Mar 25, 2021 21:02:11 GMT soulhalshall said:

I have never been great at standing up for myself as an adult. I have a short fuse at times but in the workplace have almost exclusively frozen in the face of rudeness, abuse, disrespect particularly when it has been directed at me. I think I always had the expectation that it is part of the job, from the heady days of early morning cleaning at the garages at Marshall's.

But I think with age and time I have become slightly less patient. Once before now I have stormed out of a meeting with a ridiculous boss. Today, seven or eight years on I stormed out again. I am a kitchen porter at a pub doing take away food and since returning to work two weeks ago the head chef has been consistently abusive but only when he and I have been alone. Proving his manliness or whatever. It continued today and after twenty minutes of disrespect of varying extents, I walked out, threw my rubber gloves over the fence and sped off in my Ford Fiesta. To be honest, I was raging and took some time to calm down. I thought that was it for the job (that added to my anger because I was frustrated with my reaction given the difficulty of finding new work) but I've been invited back tomorrow...which will be awkward enough.

What is your professional breaking point?

The other element in this is your mental health and wellbeing. If that has taken a turn for the worse, it can very quickly lead to things escalating and emotions running higher than normal. I think you did the right thing taking yourself out of the situation to cool down, for fear of an action that might well have become more serious.

Never let the bullies grind you down!

[Andrewlang]

I think the reaction is fine. Colleagues/managers only get away with unacceptable behaviour if it's left unchallenged and by walking out you've drawn attention to an issue that shouldn't be allowed to continue.

Andrew

[soulhalshall]

Yesterday on the way to work I was even preparing my answer to the chef's offended insistence that I shouldn't wear a mask around him because there was no need, but when it came to the moment I stammered and muttered. That's what I struggle with, it's harder in reality as you say. Ten mins later he had given me a cleaning job to do for which I had not been given the appropriate safety guidance or equipment and when I ought to have spoken up I got on with it.

But then as he continued to speak to me like a fool despite my constant politeness I felt all of this brewing up in me and rather than calmly but firmly set my boundary I stormed off in a rage, which then makes me look like the one in the wrong. This has always been my difficulty. And I think as you have said above, when you come into a job with some of these injustices already burning at you, it only takes a straw then to break the camel's back. A sad case of a snowflake, one of life's victims I'm telling myself...but I really would do any job at all and work long hours without word or issue once there was a basic level of respect in place. I'm not particularly looking forward to this evening's shift.

Working for oneself has always sounded like the way to go, though not without considerable stress too.

[cambcam]

It sounds as though you are being a bit harsh on yourself. Some people are just not very nice people and no amount of calmness or reason on your part will compensate for that - besides, the problem is with them not with you and it’s always going to be impossible when only one person is compromising.

As for self-employment, the obvious advantages are even better than your wildest fantasies would allow you to believe - no boss, flexibility, control over your destiny, free time etc etc etc. However, the downsides whilst obvious, still catch you unaware with their severity - firstly, if you don’t work, you don’t get paid. Zero, zilch, nothing. There is limited security, hugely fluctuating revenue, no overtime, sick pay, pension contribution. There is no holiday pay and a summer holiday can cost more in loss of earnings than the holiday itself. You have to generate your work, do the work, and get paid for the work. You never really switch off.

You have to have the right temperament to even consider that. It’s why I took the cowards route and stuck with something secure but miserable until circumstances made the transition relatively straightforward. I’ve the utmost respect for someone that goes that route with a large rent/mortgage/family etc to support, that takes serious balls.

Good luck getting through this. By all means reflect on your actions but be careful not to overthink it and make his problems yours.

[lesj]

I gather from what I have read in the past that you at one time were a Teacher.

Had you ever thought of advertising as to giving extra tuition to those that require it?

[soulhalshall]

Mar 26, 2021 15:11:41 GMT lesj said:

I gather from what I have read in the past that you at one time were a Teacher.

Had you ever thought of advertising as to giving extra tuition to those that require it?

Apologies for dominating this thread, I am interested to hear other people's experiences but in the interest of disclosure, I returned to work this evening where the boss handled the situation pretty well and calmly I thought, speaking to everyone together, though the head chef denied any knowledge of disrespectful behaviour. Hopefully the end of it.

In answer to you, Les, I was a teacher yep for some time but I was looking for an official type job to be able to count towards mortgage applications, which I don't think 'grinds' as the Irish seem to call them, would count towards that, though any money would or course be welcome at home.

[mrjimmy]

What about teaching online Soulhalsall? I've been doing it since lockdown started. Send me a message if you need some help.

[Mark Peters’ Bonce of Power]

Nothing wrong with what you’ve done by the sounds of it, I’ve walked off jobs in similar circumstances and never regretted it. Appreciate it’s different if you’ve got any dependents of course.

The first time was when I was backpacking round Australia, taking on casual farm work here and there to keep the funds topped up. On one farm in Queensland I was picking pumpkins, it was was easy enough, snip it off the vine, place on the boom and get on with the next one. Only problem was the boom itself was older than time, not fit for purpose and I’d constantly get whacked on the bonce by flying pumpkins as they fell off. I wasn’t prepared to get concussion and risk my health for minimum wage, so handed my cutters back to the farmer, politely explained why and was told “You’ll get fackin’ nowhere in life with that attitude you soft pommie prick, you lazy fackin’ backpacker sponges are all the same”. When I asked if he’d ever considered whether the rubbish pay and conditions had anything to do with him being unable to employ locals and or older people, he told me to get off his land or he’d fetch his gun. The 6 mile walk back to the hostel in the baking sun was still more enjoyable than getting knocked out by pumpkins and I had better work the following day.

The second time was only a couple of years ago and the experience is a big part of why I’ll probably never take an office job again (I know good offices exist, I’ve worked in a couple) as I’ve never felt the same level of toxicity in retail, hospitality, manufacturing or agriculture as I have in bad offices. In this particular job I lasted just over two months before I decided the toxic behaviour of my line manager just wasn’t worth it. It was an open plan office and she’d publicly belittle all bar one member of the team, who she would of course openly praise to the hilt, to the point of embarrassing the poor guy. She’d also do things like be really lovely and positive in one-on-one meetings, praise my progress as a newbie, the quality of my work and work ethic and then send a ‘meeting summary’ email (with the dept head cc’d in) that was essentially a complete and utter character assassination, contradicting everything we’d discussed and then refuse to discuss it further. There were other things but that was the final straw for me and I simply packed up my things, went to see the department head to tell them I was off and why and they didn’t seem surprised. I later found out I was the fourth person to join that team from outside the company and leave within a couple of months, and said line manager was gently nudged into a newly created position that didn’t involve managing anyone else.

Overall there’s only so much anyone can be reasonably expected to put up with and the only reason I can think of to stick it out in such circumstances would be if others depend upon your income. Even then, you aren’t much use to those people if you are miserable.

[habbinboy]

A lot of managers are good at inventing problems, the very opposite of their job. I too had a row every 7 or 8 years or so, looking back I'm glad I did it and stood up for myself. Things like this are part of work life, unfortunately. I retired a couple of months ago and I don't miss having a boss.

Glad it worked out, Southallshall. It usually does.

[Actually Valid Username]

Only had 2, 'proper' jobs, and in the current one my boss is a proper bully. Small mistakes get you chewed out, sarcastic remarks about my appearance, my ability to get things done etc.

Pre-COVID I was certain I'm rubbish at my job and would never make it in this industry. Since COVID hit it's like a switch has been turned on - I'm WFH and out of the toxic environment, I'm able to turn on the charm for the camera (and even hosted the company AGM!).

Suddenly redundancies are on the cards and somehow it's the OTHER person at the company being made redunant.

It's not a great position to be in, and I'm still keeping a look out for other jobs in case it's necessary BUT it did make me realise how a lot of 'my' failures were due to gaps in management's ability to manage. Once I was at home, basically managing myself things got a lot easier.

I'm sorry OP, I don't have much advice other than the only thing you can be certain of is change, life is pretty random in the results you get sometimes but it's always shifting under your feet.

[kettlewitch]

Mar 26, 2021 22:02:00 GMT soulhalshall said:

Good that it was acknowledged by your boss, and addressed across the team.

It was possibly not the first time that the chef had behaved like that, too? If so there may be others who have benefitted from it being called out.

[Bendigeidfran]

I've always struggled with authority at work, especially when bosses are being d*ckheads because they can. I'm the same, in the sense I let the little things build up until I either walk out of a job, or blow up with my supervisor /manager. As someone with ADHD, I struggle a lot with communication and following a structure at the best of times, so when silly little rules or processes are introduced for no real reason other than to give jobsworths something to do, it causes a huge amount of unnecessary pressure, which usually ends up with me on the sick to try and step out of the situation, or being pulled in.