|
Post by artvandelay on Aug 4, 2023 19:58:39 GMT
So if you married someone who was bisexual they would have to stay at home? My partner has as many male friends as female, I've never given it a second thought. I wish I had more female friends, just as I think the more diverse your friend group is then the more understanding your own view of the world will be.
I do hope that the matter resolves itself though.
|
|
|
Post by kentishu on Aug 4, 2023 22:58:51 GMT
I wonder whether the issue is less that you were texting someone, and more that your wife didn't know about it. If you tried to keep it from her, and she found out, she'd be justified in getting upset, and you would have a lot of explaining to do, doesn't really matter if it was an innocuous relationship or not. It's all about trust and communication. That may not be what's happened of course, but feels like a plausible scenario. Anyway, I hope it works out ok for you, and you both end up wiser and closer, people make mistakes all the time, so try to learn from them.
Kentish
|
|
|
Post by Actually Valid Username on Aug 13, 2023 7:14:18 GMT
I got stung by a wasp inside my mouth yesterday. Was fucking horrible. Thankfully I was on the way to the hospital at the time, but would not recommend the experience.
On the topic of texting different genders to one's own - I'm terrible at texting most people whatever gender they are. 'Boys' group chats are easier but come with less ability to be real and honest with people. I also think as humans we're often not very transparent to ourselves what our true feelings or emotions are. You could genuinely think the issue is that your partner is texting someone and that's making you jealous, but equally that could be a reaction to a day ago when your partner didn't notice how nice you looked so you're almost looking for an excuse to vent the frustration even if that's not what you believe / really feel.
It's tough.
My partner's an actor so part of the job is sometimes kissing other people or potentially nude scenes, which depending on how I'm doing I can be extremely fine with or extremely not fine with. Human brain is a funny thing
|
|
soulhalshall
Youth team star
Posts: 1,460
Favourite CUFC player: Courtney Pitt
|
Post by soulhalshall on Aug 15, 2023 19:58:50 GMT
Oh wow partner as an actor is something I've often wondered about. Interesting to hear that.
I recently joined a cricket club and the WhatsApp group I find torture. I have always found it difficult with groups of blokes doing banter, at least since I left school.
I work from home and so am with the kids while my wife is at work, so I go to playgroups etc. with my youngest child. They're usually all women and for whatever reason I find these occasions much easier, although I'm not gregarious by any means I feel much more relaxed. This was how I got into text communication, with a woman from playgroup and most of the chat was comparing notes about children but then there was some what you might call oversharing about own relationships, pasts, mental health, etc. The woman I think felt that with other women she had to pretend she had everything under control but with a man was more able to be honest, and I would equally never have shared the same doubts of my own with a man. In any case, I've only one friend left now and none in this country so it was kind of a mutually beneficial text relationship.
I suppose I can see why my wife was cross in some ways, partly because she found out after the other woman's husband contacted her to complain. Aaaanyway, still in purgatory here.
|
|
Andrewlang
Cult hero
Posts: 17,168
Member is Online
|
Post by Andrewlang on Aug 15, 2023 22:21:08 GMT
I find blokey banter pretty awful too. It's unfunny, usually pretty tedious and weirdly competitive.
No such thing as oversharing with a friend for me. It's very healthy to talk about these things and often quite reassuring to learn you're not the only one who's a bit f*cked up.
Anyway, good luck with it all.
Andrew
|
|
|
Post by captainsnort on Aug 18, 2023 23:23:42 GMT
I'm very fortunate in having a number of people I'd describe as close friends and it's pretty much a 50/50 split between male and female. Never really given it much thought before, but on the occasions when stuff has got particularly heavy, I'm certainly more inclined to speak to the women about it. It could just be their qualities as individuals, of course, but I suspect, as a general rule, women do make better listeners. I hope things sort themselves out for you.
|
|
|
Post by kettlewitch on Aug 19, 2023 9:10:39 GMT
I find it difficult to talk to anybody other than my husband when things get heavy. That's not a reflection on his listening skills, I should add, rather that I have very few close friends and even fewer everyday mates. More generally since my teens, though, I have always found it easier to talk to men, and of my close friends it would be a particular male that I would turn to.
Having been with my other half for 25 years and working at the same organisation means that we know all of each other's mates and - I know - both understand the importance of particular relationships that have formed usually over very many years. I am quite happy that he has close friendships with a few women, however, if I did not already know them I would be Very Unhappy if I learned that he was talking to them about deep or personal matters. Both because I would hope he would turn to me and because I would be suspicious of their motives in getting that close to him.
A new friendship with a woman that I did not also know would be a significant issue for me, so I can understand why you got the reaction you did and can imagine how your wife must have felt on finding out about the texting. As others have said, wishing you the best for a good resolution.
|
|
soulhalshall
Youth team star
Posts: 1,460
Favourite CUFC player: Courtney Pitt
|
Post by soulhalshall on Aug 24, 2023 6:38:12 GMT
"however, if I did not already know them I would be Very Unhappy if I learned that he was talking to them about deep or personal matters. Both because I would hope he would turn to me and because I would be suspicious of their motives in getting that close to him."
Yes this is the part that I think has been the biggest issue in my house. That's where I probably have to look at myself and ask if I was being narcissistic and enjoying attention or innocently sharing parenting tips. I suppose resentments can sometimes collect over the period of a relationship (well, I have a few) and these can motivate some decisions, sometimes unwise ones.
I also realise that when beginning to talk about deep or personal things with someone outside the family there is a temptation for the discussion to include elements of marital strife even if not explicitly addressed.
|
|
nutsaboutamber
Reserve team regular
Posts: 3,902
Favourite CUFC player: Brian Greenhalgh
Favourite CUFC match: Maidstone(a) at Dartford, playoff semi final 2nd leg, 16 May 1990
|
Post by nutsaboutamber on Aug 29, 2023 3:45:32 GMT
Yes. In the 80s/90s when it was still possible to live in town in a cheap shared house on a (relatively) modest income there was an absolutely amazing local pub/party/rave and arts scene. There was loads to do of an evening and a lot of noise a lot of the time. It was still a lovely chilled out place to bring up children etc and always plenty of work right through the spectrum of salary. It's changed a lot and I'd have to say it's not as great a place to be young unless you are fulfilling career/education paths. I say all this as someone who is fairly well travelled and has lived in London, Ireland and the USA for spells. It's still a much more desirable place to live than many and if you're a sport's fan You've got by the greatest football team the world has ever seen. I think it's a great place to live, it is just incredibly quiet! It is rare you hear anybody even raise their voice. It was until you came along.
|
|
soulhalshall
Youth team star
Posts: 1,460
Favourite CUFC player: Courtney Pitt
|
Post by soulhalshall on Nov 6, 2023 11:18:00 GMT
I find it difficult to talk to anybody other than my husband when things get heavy. That's not a reflection on his listening skills, I should add, rather that I have very few close friends and even fewer everyday mates. More generally since my teens, though, I have always found it easier to talk to men, and of my close friends it would be a particular male that I would turn to. Having been with my other half for 25 years and working at the same organisation means that we know all of each other's mates and - I know - both understand the importance of particular relationships that have formed usually over very many years. I am quite happy that he has close friendships with a few women, however, if I did not already know them I would be Very Unhappy if I learned that he was talking to them about deep or personal matters. Both because I would hope he would turn to me and because I would be suspicious of their motives in getting that close to him. A new friendship with a woman that I did not also know would be a significant issue for me, so I can understand why you got the reaction you did and can imagine how your wife must have felt on finding out about the texting. As others have said, wishing you the best for a good resolution. I've been reflecting on this whole thing since it happened and now am convinced that neither my intentions nor those of the other woman were innocent and that while it began innocently it moved into inappropriate territory and stayed there. So I fully understand the reaction now and am not surprised that it caused hurt. I had been lying to myself I think and believing the lies of innocence. I just thought I would say this.
|
|
|
Post by irishfan on Nov 20, 2023 11:22:01 GMT
Personal ramblings
I remember Gareth Bale getting mocked for spending 6 years in Spain and having no Spanish. Certainly not the only Anglophone in Spain Iike that
Only later I learned it’s not true! The internet would not lie surely!
I saw a YouTube interview and he was getting hammered with questions spoken at 100mph and he understood and could respond so that is very good. Good for him 👏
My personal rambling was before I emigrated to rainy but pretty Luxembourg I was on a mission! I hired a school teacher and paid cash for several private lessons to improve my schoolboy French. She gave me homework too. I strode into Luxembourg shops with no fear and tried my basic French and while they understood me they replied in English. That was disappointing as I did not want a reply in English, felt like I failed.
On day trips to France I had better opportunities and could buy a train ticket, check into a youth hostel, basic stuff. 4 years later though I had not improved at all. I lost the motivation I guess.
We use English for work in the bank but I wanted to integrate and be more involved in the chats. I like banter and can give and take it but never enjoyed my French native speaker teammates laughing at my accent when I tried French. 😡It was just banter to them but I stopped trying . Dammit at least I tried when some other Anglophones never tried.
I am that foreigner who moves somewhere and relies on English.
I have some weeks leave built up to take in 2023 and I am going to spend some hours a day hiking or cycling and some hours studying languages. Treat like an office job. If I get a reply in English to “help me” I will not switch to English and to hell with the next person in work who sniggers. I will make mistakes every day but I’ll improve 👍
|
|
Andrewlang
Cult hero
Posts: 17,168
Member is Online
|
Post by Andrewlang on Nov 20, 2023 12:07:14 GMT
I don't speak another language, though almost 15 years ago I did travel through south/central America for a year and picked up a decent amount of Spanish (mostly forgotten now). I had the same problem that I would try and speak in Spanish to people and sometimes get an English reply which is frustrating...though admittedly a lot easier.
I was fine with the sniggers though, I used to feel as though it broke the ice if I laughed with them or played up to it. I was the ignorant Englishman speaking Spanish (poorly) or resorting to mimes when I didn't know the word so laughing was probably justified, a few people I met on the way got increasingly frustrated when they couldn't be understood, mind.
Andrew
|
|
Sandypants
Reserve team star
Posts: 4,059
Favourite CUFC player: Harrison Dunk
|
Post by Sandypants on Nov 20, 2023 12:26:36 GMT
I've forgotten what little I learnt of French in secondary school, and remember little more (mostly insults) of German.
I went to Seville for a wedding in October, learnt what I thought would be enough to get me by beforehand, and was thoroughly humbled by both how much I'd undersold it and how patient people were with my fumbling. I've since determined to finally, properly learn another language.
Early on in the journey, but I'm enjoying it.
|
|
|
Post by kentishu on Nov 20, 2023 12:43:21 GMT
I have a 1823 day streak on Duolingo (Spanish and German). Don't even feel close to being able to speak either with a native (despite German being the first language I learned to speak). How people from some countries can master 3 or 4 languages with ease, whilst most Brits can't even master English, is a real mystery to me.
Kentish
|
|
|
Post by Mark Peters’ Bonce of Power on Nov 20, 2023 12:44:41 GMT
Different issues at play, but I found attempting to learn Dutch whilst living in The Netherlands for a year extremely difficult and never really got to grips with it before basically giving up. When I moved there, I was hoping to stay long term (Didn’t work out due to Brexit, it was mid 2018 and uncertainty over how it would pan out was at it’s peak and the company I worked for didn’t feel they were in a position to renew the contracts of British employees) and really didn’t want to be ‘that guy’ who’s lived in another country for years, without being even vaguely competent at the language.
I even had Dutch friends telling me it was a waste of time on the basis that it’s a very small country, the language is useless almost anywhere else in the world and they all speak English anyway. A lot of them much better than most Brits to be completely honest. I suppose the point is that even if it’s not necessary, it’s admirable to try and make learning the local language a point of personal pride when moving to a new country.
If I had to do it over again, I’d push myself more to study harder, insist my Dutch friends speak to me in Dutch only and make more of an effort to put myself in situations where using it would be more expected/necessary. We are notoriously bad/disinterested in learning foreign languages in this country and it’s a reputation that precedes us, so I’ve never really taken issue with people switching to English, rather than allowing me to persevere with my very limited/broken German, French or Spanish when I’ve been in places that speak those languages.
On the other hand, I have found that total immersion and essentially having no choice but to pick up some basics in order to get by at all has remarkable results, even in the very short term. Ive always had some pretty basic German, but was very surprised to realise how quickly my largely forgotten schoolboy French came flooding back when I was in Morocco for example and even in Cuba last year, in the space of two weeks my Spanish went from nothing more than hello, please and thank you to pretty functional, whilst nowhere near properly conversational. Almost all of it completely forgotten just as quickly, naturally.
|
|