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Post by artvandelay on Dec 12, 2023 9:27:49 GMT
Your original comment read as a visceral response triggered by the original post and subsequently this has been borne out . I felt that the language used could be deeply unhelpful and potentially harmful, which was why I replied.
I also understand that this is unhelpful too, so will leave it there.
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Post by kentishu on Dec 12, 2023 9:40:35 GMT
Ok, understood. I would be happy to debate the language I used on another occasion, but agree this isn't the time to do that.
Kentish
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Sandypants
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Post by Sandypants on Dec 12, 2023 10:16:28 GMT
I posted a couple of times in this thread about my unwise extra-marital decisions. In the interest of transparency, to provide the third act in this tragedy and because I wonder if maybe this will help, I am posting again. I asked in the first message for advice. I had been caught communicating with another woman. I thought at the time it was innocent, but later understood my wife's anger and upset. Unfortunately I ended up testing out the idea of 'fcuk about find out'. And I am now finding out. I returned to meet the other woman in September at a playgroup. I wanted to apologise, to find out what had happened in her situation since the drama of earlier in the summer. It was clear then that there was still some sort of a connection between us and we began messaging again and meeting. We found one another to be of great support, understood one another. I felt accepted and understood in a way I had not in my marriage. I carried hangups about being coerced into marriage and believed now with this other woman I had found someone, unexpectedly, who was right for me. Neither of us backed off and the feelings grew despite the marriages. We began to talk about the future, allowed - we said - our hearts to lead us. I felt I was making up for past mistakes, allowing my heart to guide me. Too much time watching Before Sunset and listening to maudlin pop I suppose. We reasoned that, even with six children between us in two happy homes, it was not wrong of us to explore an unusual connection. People get divorced, people move on. Richard and Judy were both married when they met. This gave me confidence, I have no idea why. Eventually the situation became too big to ignore and the other woman told her husband what had been happening. He smashed her phone. Said he would kill himself or me if she left. He threatened to hurt my children, kill me. We only told part of the truth, avoiding the physical aspects. Liars to the end. I was removed from my house, spending nights in the car, bed and breakfast, with family. I continued to communicate with the other woman, who I needed more than ever. Her husband worked hard to prove he was right for her. But our affair continued these two weeks and he caught her on the phone again, he found a string of very revealing messages we had shared that showed everything that had happened. He shared them widely. He attacked his wife and put her in hospital. He took himself to the police. My wife told our children. Our eldest spat in my face, was rightly furious and said he did not want to see me again. The other woman is in a psychiatric unit. I attempted to visit but was told by her family that they were calling the police and blocking all contact with her. I collapsed on the street last night while on the phone to a suicide prevention charity, as the enormity of the damage I have caused swept through me. Every relationship I have is weaker than it was before. And the person I risked it all for I cannot see. An ambulance was called and I was taken to the hospital but released later last night. I would not be sad if you were dead, said my wife. The husband called me this morning urging me to 'leave this planet'. I have to live for the children. I am writing this because I do not have any support and felt this was a place to at least write it down so please ignore if this is all too much. It is a cautionary tale perhaps. I stayed in my marriage previously because I did not wish to abandon my wife's child who I had taken as my own, but instead he has abandoned me as a result of my actions. Don't follow your heart because it's not always going to lead you to sunsets and rainbows, there was too much harm here, too much in the way. How much damage, irreparable hurt has been caused. Two happily families broken a few weeks before Christmas. And no-one to excuse me because there are no excuses for hurting children, for destroying people's lives, breaking their hearts. The terrible thing, or one of the terrible things is that I don't know if I regret everything. I love the other woman more deeply than I've ever loved anything, I finally felt accepted and loved back. But that takes away none of the hurt it just confirms that I am a bad person, beyond bad, selfish, narcissistic, attention-seeking. Here is the attention. F u c k about Find out. You're responsible for your actions, and it sounds like you know this. Just remember in the depths of your darkness that you are not responsible for other people's. That her husband hospitalised his partner is not on you nor her.
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Post by hoolaohanrahanrahan on Dec 12, 2023 15:03:16 GMT
An update on your wellbeing would be most welcome, Soul.
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cambsno
Youth team star
Posts: 1,031
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Post by cambsno on Dec 12, 2023 15:17:35 GMT
I posted a couple of times in this thread about my unwise extra-marital decisions. In the interest of transparency, to provide the third act in this tragedy and because I wonder if maybe this will help, I am posting again. I asked in the first message for advice. I had been caught communicating with another woman. I thought at the time it was innocent, but later understood my wife's anger and upset. Unfortunately I ended up testing out the idea of 'fcuk about find out'. And I am now finding out. I returned to meet the other woman in September at a playgroup. I wanted to apologise, to find out what had happened in her situation since the drama of earlier in the summer. It was clear then that there was still some sort of a connection between us and we began messaging again and meeting. We found one another to be of great support, understood one another. I felt accepted and understood in a way I had not in my marriage. I carried hangups about being coerced into marriage and believed now with this other woman I had found someone, unexpectedly, who was right for me. Neither of us backed off and the feelings grew despite the marriages. We began to talk about the future, allowed - we said - our hearts to lead us. I felt I was making up for past mistakes, allowing my heart to guide me. Too much time watching Before Sunset and listening to maudlin pop I suppose. We reasoned that, even with six children between us in two happy homes, it was not wrong of us to explore an unusual connection. People get divorced, people move on. Richard and Judy were both married when they met. This gave me confidence, I have no idea why. Eventually the situation became too big to ignore and the other woman told her husband what had been happening. He smashed her phone. Said he would kill himself or me if she left. He threatened to hurt my children, kill me. We only told part of the truth, avoiding the physical aspects. Liars to the end. I was removed from my house, spending nights in the car, bed and breakfast, with family. I continued to communicate with the other woman, who I needed more than ever. Her husband worked hard to prove he was right for her. But our affair continued these two weeks and he caught her on the phone again, he found a string of very revealing messages we had shared that showed everything that had happened. He shared them widely. He attacked his wife and put her in hospital. He took himself to the police. My wife told our children. Our eldest spat in my face, was rightly furious and said he did not want to see me again. The other woman is in a psychiatric unit. I attempted to visit but was told by her family that they were calling the police and blocking all contact with her. I collapsed on the street last night while on the phone to a suicide prevention charity, as the enormity of the damage I have caused swept through me. Every relationship I have is weaker than it was before. And the person I risked it all for I cannot see. An ambulance was called and I was taken to the hospital but released later last night. I would not be sad if you were dead, said my wife. The husband called me this morning urging me to 'leave this planet'. I have to live for the children. I am writing this because I do not have any support and felt this was a place to at least write it down so please ignore if this is all too much. It is a cautionary tale perhaps. I stayed in my marriage previously because I did not wish to abandon my wife's child who I had taken as my own, but instead he has abandoned me as a result of my actions. Don't follow your heart because it's not always going to lead you to sunsets and rainbows, there was too much harm here, too much in the way. How much damage, irreparable hurt has been caused. Two happily families broken a few weeks before Christmas. And no-one to excuse me because there are no excuses for hurting children, for destroying people's lives, breaking their hearts. The terrible thing, or one of the terrible things is that I don't know if I regret everything. I love the other woman more deeply than I've ever loved anything, I finally felt accepted and loved back. But that takes away none of the hurt it just confirms that I am a bad person, beyond bad, selfish, narcissistic, attention-seeking. Here is the attention. F u c k about Find out. You're responsible for your actions, and it sounds like you know this. Just remember in the depths of your darkness that you are not responsible for other people's. That her husband hospitalised his partner is not on you nor her. You are but actions of others can contribute to yours. Most people I have known who have had affair type things normally do it because there is something missing. That doesnt excuse behaviour but it can be a catch 22, not feeling loved, dont give love back which makes the other person feel even less like giving love. It is natural to feel a "what if..." even after a long time and too think how things different may have been. But, in a way that is a compelling 'reason' to end a relationship, unlike some who just go through a mid life crisis and blame the person closest to them for their ills.
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Sandypants
Reserve team star
Posts: 4,059
Favourite CUFC player: Harrison Dunk
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Post by Sandypants on Dec 12, 2023 15:33:38 GMT
You're responsible for your actions, and it sounds like you know this. Just remember in the depths of your darkness that you are not responsible for other people's. That her husband hospitalised his partner is not on you nor her. You are but actions of others can contribute to yours. Most people I have known who have had affair type things normally do it because there is something missing. That doesnt excuse behaviour but it can be a catch 22, not feeling loved, dont give love back which makes the other person feel even less like giving love. It is natural to feel a "what if..." even after a long time and too think how things different may have been. But, in a way that is a compelling 'reason' to end a relationship, unlike some who just go through a mid life crisis and blame the person closest to them for their ills. Oh for sure. I don't subscribe to the cult of absolute personal responsibility. The buck might stop with you, but we have all of history as evidence that a person's actions don't occur in a vacuum.
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Post by Mark Peters’ Bonce of Power on Dec 12, 2023 15:38:19 GMT
If nothing else, it sounds like your actions were a symptom rather than the cause of the issues in your relationship and some form of breakdown was inevitable. People in happy, fulfilling, relationships simply don’t behave as you have done.
It seems more like what you’ve done has acted as a catalyst for something that will be better for all in the longer term, the dissolution of a failing relationship, even though the means are obviously ugly and have the potential to cause serious pain and strain on your future relationships with your children, wider family and friends.
I sincerely hope you are to get yourself into a better place mentally and can rebuild the trust of and your relationship with your children, by being the best father possible going forward.
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soulhalshall
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Posts: 1,460
Favourite CUFC player: Courtney Pitt
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Post by soulhalshall on Dec 12, 2023 17:47:12 GMT
Thank you everyone for responding. Very much.
I am still going, finding things a little hard I suppose. But as always aware that this is something I have caused and I have caused others to feel tremendous pain.
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mrjimmy
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Posts: 1,381
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Post by mrjimmy on Dec 12, 2023 17:51:26 GMT
Keep going. These things have a way of working themselves out. Fingers crossed for all involved.
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foolhandy
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Posts: 1,143
Favourite CUFC player: Spriggs. Dublin. Pitt. Lennett.
Favourite CUFC match: vs Leicester C (H) 1982. Without that...?
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Post by foolhandy on Dec 18, 2023 21:04:09 GMT
Thank you everyone for responding. Very much. I am still going, finding things a little hard I suppose. But as always aware that this is something I have caused and I have caused others to feel tremendous pain. No one is perfect, even if they're favourite player is Courtney. You've screwed up but, as others have said, that didn't happen in a bubble. No person is an island, and unless you've reached enlightenment most actions are caused in some way or another by other actions by countless people in the past. You caused the upset, but that doesn't make you an intrinsically bad person or unworthy of love and support and a future. Who knows what the future holds for you and those around you, but it won't always be s**t when there is still a tomorrow to wake up to. As with jj earlier on, my heart truly goes out to your wife and the children involved, but love is not a finite resource and I send it to you to as you work your way through this. Yesterday is gone. What's done is done. Bide your time and make every today, and tomorrow, the best you can from now on even if your best isn't up to much because of the hurt. If you're trying, it's enough. You are enough. Keep posting if it helps, and to let us know you're OK. May love be with you and your family.
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Post by kettlewitch on Dec 26, 2023 14:51:55 GMT
Thank you everyone for responding. Very much. I am still going, finding things a little hard I suppose. But as always aware that this is something I have caused and I have caused others to feel tremendous pain. I am sorry to hear that this has blown up in so many ways and for so many people. I hope that, in time, you will be able to resume your new relationship and that everyone's hurt lessens. This is a particularly poignant and difficult time of the year for many people and many reasons; please take care of yourself.
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Post by kettlewitch on Dec 26, 2023 15:15:17 GMT
I have a 1823 day streak on Duolingo (Spanish and German). Don't even feel close to being able to speak either with a native (despite German being the first language I learned to speak). How people from some countries can master 3 or 4 languages with ease, whilst most Brits can't even master English, is a real mystery to me. Kentish Blimey 1823 days, that's fantastic! My experience with Duolingo was that it taught me very specific and limited sentences by rote. However it offered me nothing about how to form new sentences myself, have a flowing conversation (unless it was about Owen and his parsnips) or understand the grammar and syntax of the Welsh language. Its pronunciation was iffy at times too. I quickly switched to Say Something In... which covers the first and second points very well and deliberately omits the third. My 11 yo niece has stuck with Duolingo for Welsh so far but has said how limited she finds it in comparison to her school French lessons. Its gamification does seem to work for her as a young 'un, though, and she has used the opportunity to dip into Ukranian in case her class welcomes any displaced children.
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foolhandy
Youth team star
Posts: 1,143
Favourite CUFC player: Spriggs. Dublin. Pitt. Lennett.
Favourite CUFC match: vs Leicester C (H) 1982. Without that...?
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Post by foolhandy on Dec 29, 2023 9:12:55 GMT
Thank you everyone for responding. Very much. I am still going, finding things a little hard I suppose. But as always aware that this is something I have caused and I have caused others to feel tremendous pain. You OK?
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soulhalshall
Youth team star
Posts: 1,460
Favourite CUFC player: Courtney Pitt
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Post by soulhalshall on Dec 29, 2023 22:07:56 GMT
Thank you everyone for responding. Very much. I am still going, finding things a little hard I suppose. But as always aware that this is something I have caused and I have caused others to feel tremendous pain. You OK? Thanks for asking, foolhandy. Things have settled a little. The mental health concerns that struck me subsided after a little while, which is good. The children have to a large extent returned to normal it seems. The other lady is out of hospital. There is of course a lot of hurt that the two adults who were wronged by the affair are still feeling.
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Post by Russ Greaves on Jan 12, 2024 21:36:26 GMT
Not to seem insensitive to Henry’s plight, but I’ve had a scientific breakthrough - maximum chocolate saturation was achieved today, January 12. I’m still eating it but getting diminishing returns in terms of enjoyment. Still so much left over from Christmas, including an entire Toblerone (a white chocolate one!).
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